Issue #31: Writing into the Void of 'Good Enough'
Procrastinator perfectionism and imposter syndrome
Dear The Curiosity Journal Reader
I have a confession to make. I have fallen into procrastinator perfectionist ways. The simplest way to describe this behaviour is as Katherine Morgan Schafler put it: A procrastinator perfectionist would struggle to write the first sentence of this paragraph because it needed to be perfect (Morgan Schafler, 2023: 1).
Over the past few weeks, I have done everything but write what I wanted to write. I have decorated my house, then redecorated it. Started ballet lessons. Watched a ridiculous amount of television. Reorganised my closet. Spent way too much time on Temu (it’s more addictive than TikTok) ordering things to redecorate my house and for my new hobbies of ballet and art. Kept saying I’ll make up my writing nook (to be fair, I’m halfway there). And, participated in my sister’s incessant Instagram reel/meme sharing at odd hours of the day.
It isn’t that I did no writing at all. I just didn’t feel like it was perfect. Each time I was going to hit publish, the little procrastinator-perfectionist voice in me was saying, ‘Nope, not good enough, wait until next week when you have something better’. On top of that, I was thinking, who reads this anyway? It never used to bother me before, but I was starting to doubt myself without any feedback loop. It felt like I was writing into the void.
At one point, I also started to lose sight of the purpose behind why I was writing in the first place. I was publishing every week to keep up a streak (Substack sends an email each week about your writing streak) as opposed to doing it for the joy of sharing ideas and knowledge with people.
In December, I started working on a book. I was sort of sure where it was going, but then I started to think that I wasn’t necessarily tapping into my full potential. It wasn’t meeting my perfectionist/striver side. I had to do more research on how to write a book (procrastinator). So the research began. Hello procrastinator perfectionist, making a plan about making a plan.
Then the self-doubt and imposter syndrome kick in. Who am I to write a book? But then I read truly awful books that have been published, and think if that can make it onto the shelves, then I can do it too.
Just this morning, my sister and I were having a conversation about the subject of imposter syndrome. We were discussing her new album and whether it was ‘good enough’. She said she rarely feels comfortable calling herself a composer, even though she has released several successful albums and is about to put out another one. Often, she feels like she isn’t good enough to have that title. It is the same for me, I write this publication almost every week, which technically makes me a writer, but I still don’t see myself as one.
One of my coaching buddies once said to me that I have to start seeing writing as part of my work. I have always seen it as a hobby and not work. It has never had to be perfect before. I think this goes with any pursuit or project. It will never be perfect, the conditions won’t always be perfect to start it or do it each time, you just have to do it. However, you can train yourself to work on it in some form. It is about consistency (without losing sight of the purpose and joy of it) and accountability.
We all face imposter syndrome at some point. What I’ve told clients in the past to do when they feel like they aren’t good enough is to write down what they have achieved that week or a kind word they have received from colleagues. When you’re working on your own, it’s hard to get that kind of feedback. You have to do it yourself and be compassionate.
As a coach (quite comfortable calling myself that), I’m all about accountability with my clients. I have to hold myself accountable in some form, too. Drawing on inspiration from writers in the 19th century, I’m going to serialise my book in a way. I have created a separate publication, which you can subscribe to below, as I want to keep the writing a place to create freely and separate from what I have built here. The aim is to release at least one chapter/essay a month. They will be drafts, so don’t expect perfect 😄.
About the book: First up, it is not a self-help book. It’s a mish-mash of ideas that have been circulating in my head for years now. A few years ago, my former boss and I were going to write some of these ideas together in a book, but I’m glad that we didn’t because now I get to have my own voice and make it more personal. Right now, the as-yet-untitled book mostly covers identity from various aspects - political, cultural, emotional, online, etc., but who knows how it will turn out. You’ll have to subscribe and read each month to see.
The first piece should drop next week…
Ax
If you have read this far and would like to support me in my writing journey, please consider donating to my Writing Fund. Just $5 (less than R100) from those of you who read this regularly would go a long way to helping me make writing feel less like a hobby and more like I do this professionally. Even a like below would help ❤️