#5 Surviving or Thriving?
On moving from surviving to thriving and the importance of moving out of your comfort zone to get there
I have had a few conversations this week in which people have said they’re just surviving at the moment. The reasons have varied from being in a toxic work environment to feeling overwhelmed to transitioning into a new role. Surviving is an awful space to be in. All of them said they want to thrive (granted this might be my influence in always talking to them about surviving and thriving).
Surviving and thriving are more commonly known as languishing and flourishing in psychological terms. Languishing is a state of low mental well-being as opposed to high mental well-being (flourishing) where you are meeting your full emotional, psychological, and social potential. Your mental fitness ‘muscles’ are wasting away in survival mode, and you need to strengthen them to thrive.
Surviving can look like different things to different people. If you’re a striver, it often looks like a swan gliding effortlessly above the water with your feet paddling furiously beneath you. What does thriving look like? Everything is effortless. Of course, there are tough days, but you get through them without the anxiety, panic, or stress that used to come when you were in survival mode.
For three years, I was in constant survival mode. I didn’t know what thriving looked like.
This is what surviving can look like…
Seemingly happy and smiley (I used to sit on desks often), a ‘good’ salary, a ‘good’ job. I shouldn’t have had anything to complain about. But underneath all of it was not a pretty picture.
An intellectually ambitious and driven individual trapped in a concrete hell in the middle of the city with no plan of how to get out. I was a glorified assistant on most days always searching for those few bright days when I got to use my brain.
I was waking up at 5 am to do work and rushing to the office by 7 am to do more work. My idea of exercise was running in high heels between my office and my boss’s. I hadn’t read a book cover-to-cover for pleasure in years but had helped put together one and co-authored a chapter for another.
I was managing other people’s time but not my own. I was burnt out, miserable, and stressed which had landed me in the hospital twice because of it all.
Worst of all for me, I felt like I had plateaued in my early 30s and my life was going nowhere.
I knew I needed a change. I wanted more. I wanted to be my own boss - not just professionally but in my life. I wanted to thrive. But I wasn’t sure what that looked like.
Fast forward a few years and a chronic illness later, I was not just surviving anymore but thriving. My mindset shifted.
There is no longer the concept of a ‘good’ job or ‘good’ salary in my life. Instead, I have chosen my life and career for the first time in years. My intellectual ambition and drive have been channelled into other things I’m curious about.
I still wake up early but to work on myself first (journaling, meditation), not to do work. Gone are the high heels and they have been replaced with yoga every day. I have countless books that have been read and more that are waiting to be read. I write for myself and not as the first draft for others. My time is my own but, more importantly, I manage my energy instead of time. I give energy to things that add value to my life and have let go of most of the things that bring any negativity into my life.
Was it easy? Hell no. Was it worth it? Definitely.
In The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, Morgan Schafler has an excellent section on the importance of being able to let go. She talks about how if you want to move from just surviving, then you need to develop ‘thrival’ skills and to do this, you need to learn how to take risks:
Risks are not automatically dangerous; they’re automatically uncertain. To take a risk, you have to let go of predictability. Relinquishing predictability is an ambitious task for two reasons. First, it makes you feel like you’re losing control (because you are, and this is a good thing). Second, it takes continuous effort to let go of what’s familiar and try something new. At least initially, you have to process so much more information than you otherwise would: Do I like this? Is this what I want? Is this who I am? Is this working for me? Am I happier yet? Should I be crying right now? What is this doing to my relationships? How is this affecting my work? Is this worth my discomfort? Are there snacks here? What is happening? (Morgan Schafler, 2023: p. 151)
Yes, there are snacks here and you get to choose them…
But going from surviving to thriving requires maintenance. You can ebb and flow out of this state of comfort/survival and thriving. You can also find yourself stuck in the messy middle where you aren’t in survival mode, but you aren’t thriving either. You are hovering close to your comfort zone but know that you want to push yourself towards thriving but just aren’t sure what’s next and fear taking that risk that will help you thrive.
Sometimes it is only when we are faced with the stark reality of the familiar – the job that we’re actually really unhappy with, the relationship that isn’t working, or the overwhelming schedule – that something clicks, and we take action. For me, it is that my comfort zone is looming large. I have not been challenging myself to the level I expect, and I haven’t quite figured out what is next for me; I am becoming comfortable and heading for the plateau.
To thrive, you do need to let go of what’s holding you back and get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Stop sitting in your comfort zone and take risks. Only you know what a risk for you at the moment is. For me right now, it is simply taking a few small actions to put myself out there again – professionally and personally.
The hard work is keeping the momentum going. Switching from surviving to thriving isn’t a quick process; there will be small daily wins, and some setbacks along the way, but you have to keep building momentum and be kind to yourself as you progress.
Are you surviving or thriving? Or stuck somewhere in the messy middle?
Ax